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SHAME-BASED LEADERSHIP

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Shame-based leadership often sets people up for abuse, and shame-based dynamics are all the more harmful in Christian environments. 

 

While guilt indicates behavior in need of change, shame is often wielded as a destructive message that you are a bad, defective, or worthless person. Shame-based leadership uses shame as a harmful, performance-based motivator, communicating the message that one is unloved, unlovable, or unacceptable except when performing well.

 

While church leaders may feel justified using mild versions of the shame-based behaviors below to help steer their people in the right direction, their use is extremely harmful, particularly to those who have experienced shame-based relationships in the past—notable if you've ever wondered why some such messages have a more immediate impact on some within your faith community. Their use also tends to grow and become more controlling over time and as leaders feel the need to exert more and more control.

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In The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen outline seven characteristics of shame-based relationships:

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Out-Loud Shaming: results in a negative view of self and in turn, shaming others. This breeds a negative view of self, even self-hatred.

Focus on Performance: results in extremes: perfectionism vs. giving up, demanding too much of others vs. expecting nothing, unable to rest when tired, unable to have guilt-free fun. This focus tends to result in a double life.

Manipulation: often contributes to a hyper-radar for recognizing when people are stressed or picking up on people are talking in code instead of saying something straight. The can’t-talk rule leads to talking in code, either using code words or body language that conveys subtle but clear messages to those in the system.

Idolatry: refers to the false god of appearances; an image of a distant god whose mood depends on observing your behaviors from a distance. It results in anxiety, an urge to control others, and a distorted image of God.

Preoccupation with Fault and Blame: the New Testament leads us to responsibility and accountability. Abusive systems use fault and blame to humiliate and control. This results in leaders and participants alike being defensive and critical of others, and in difficulty accepting grace from God and others.

Examples of Shame-Based Religious Beliefs

  • God rewards spirituality with material goods

  • If I am spiritual enough, things won’t affect me emotionally

  • I can never say no to those in religious authority

  • Everyone in ministry must be trusted

  • God needs me to do ministry

  • The existence of trouble in my life indicates a lack of faith

  • Talking about problems will make God ‘look bad’

  • Unity means agreeing about everything

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These beliefs often result in perfectionism -- or giving up without trying -- and a view of God that is more concerned with how one acts than who one is, difficulty asking for help, and a high need for the approval of others.

Obscured Reality: subtly denying your own thoughts and feelings in deference to those in authority. Normal learning experiences by trial and error are off-limits and result in heaps of shame. You are not allowed the freedom to threaten the order of the system, including interacting normally with the outside world. This obscured reality results in being out of touch with your own feelings, guessing at what is normal, being afraid to take healthy risks.

Unbalanced Interrelatedness: in the extremes of neglect and enmeshment, it may feel necessary to make everyone else happy even as you look to everyone else to make you happy. Everyone is responsible for everyone else but no one is responsible for himself or herself. This results in fear of abandonment, trouble with self-discipline, feeling selfish for having needs, and trouble with boundaries.​

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