Spiritual Abuse
What Is Spiritual Abuse?
We were working as hard as we knew how to accomplish the WORK of Jesus—but we were gradually drifting further and further from the WAYS of Jesus.
—Sharon Clements, Co-Founder, The Way Home
Most people who have experienced spiritual abuse didn't see it coming. They were in communities that may have felt alive, had evidence of real fruit, and carried genuine love for God. But somewhere beneath the surface, something was deeply wrong.
If something in your experience felt off—if questions weren't welcome, if loyalty to the leader seemed to come before loyalty to the truth, if you left church more ashamed than you arrived—you may be naming something real for the first time here.
What is Spiritual Abuse?
Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of religious authority uses the trust and influence intrinsic to their role to control, manipulate, or harm others. This abuse may be intentional or unintentional — but its effects are deeply damaging, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.
As a society, we grant those in unique roles additional power and unearned trust—people like doctors, lawyers, pastors, and counselors. We trust them to use that power to bring healing and help. When they use it instead for their own purposes—or to harm—that is an abuse of power.
We are more inclined, in those settings, to second-guess ourselves than to second-guess our leaders. Those who abuse the power inherent to their position—knowingly or unknowingly—rely on this. And they incrementally increase harmful behaviors as they become normalized within the culture of a community or relationship.
Not sure this is what you experienced? → See the patterns, named clearly
"When someone is particularly gifted verbally, has a charismatic personality and is adept with spiritual language it is very easy for us to assume maturity... Spiritual maturity is measured by character, by the fruit of the Spirit of God in a life."
- Diane Langberg, Ph.D.
"Spiritual abuse is when a spiritual leader—such as a pastor, elder, or head of a Christian organization—wields his position of spiritual authority in such a way that he manipulates, domineers, bullies, and intimidates those under him as a means of maintaining his own power and control, even if he is convinced he is seeking biblical and kingdom-related goals.”
- Michael J. Kruger, Bully Pulpit
This Is Not the Way of Jesus
In Mark 10, Jesus gave His disciples a picture of what leadership in His community is meant to look like:
"You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant."
The only One who is Lord never lorded it over anyone. Jesus never used His power for selfish gain. He never leveraged His position to satisfy His own desires or to better His own life or situation.
Never.
Instead, He used His power to lift the broken, welcome the outsider, and heal the wounded. He called Himself the Good Shepherd—and in Ezekiel 34, God speaks harshly of leaders who do the opposite, calling them shepherds who feed themselves instead of the flock.
When those who represent God act in a way that is outside the character of God, the wounds inflicted are severe. And when the person we should be able to turn to for spiritual support is the very source of the abuse, we can find ourselves blocked from the help we need most.
Anytime a pastor or leader uses their position of spiritual authority to manipulate, intimidate, or control those under their care, this is called spiritual abuse.
Forms of Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse can take many forms.You may recognize some clearly. Others may notresonate immediately. Any of these forms are abuse.
Control and Manipulation — Using scripture, spiritual authority, or discipleship to dictate or unduly influence someone's behavior or choices; taking advantage of pastoral insight into an individual's vulnerabilities; withholding favor or spiritual security to gain compliance.
Coercion — Pressuring community members to follow indiscriminately, praising those who fall in line while expressing "concern" about those who hesitate; requiring others to conform until they gradually begin to believe, think, or act in ways that go against their own discernment or moral code.
Isolation — Separating individuals from family, friends, or the broader faith community over time; creating a culture of dependence in which the leader or community becomes the primary source of relational and spiritual connection.
Duplicity — Charming some members of a community while belittling or shaming others (or alternating these behaviors); gaslighting individuals and leaving them confused about the true nature of reality and of the abuser.
Erosion of Identity — Undermining a person's sense of worth, their voice, or their belief system.
Boundary Violations — Substantial disregard of appropriate personal boundaries — physical, financial, relational, time.
Financial Abuse — Manipulating or coercing individuals to give, often far beyond their means; tying generosity to spiritual standing or favor.
Hiding or Justifying Harm — Using or twisting scripture, fear, or spiritual principles to excuse emotional, physical, or sexual harm; protecting abusers by urging victims to "forgive and forget" without pursuing justice.
Blame and Shame — Calling people's spirituality into question when they raise concerns; grooming the victim to feel complicit, unworthy, or responsible for the abuse.
Sexual Abuse — Engaging in sexually inappropriate behavior with adults or children; betraying the trust of a vulnerable person who looks to the leader for guidance, care, or support. Because of the power differential involved, consent between a congregant and a spiritual leader is not possible — no matter the age of the victim.
Spiritual Exceptionalism — Promoting the idea that even among others of the same faith, their teaching reflects a greater understanding of truth; fostering a culture of insider language, narrowing outsiders and outside voices.
Spiritual abuse can occur in a variety of settings—either subtly or overtly:
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Religious Organizations—churches, ministries, or denominations where leaders misuse their authority
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Family or Romantic Relationships—when faith is used as a tool of control; when the agency of family members is not recognized or affirmed
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Educational or Care Settings—faith-based schools, counseling programs, or discipleship relationships
Where It Happens
Spiritual abuse is particularly devastating because it strikes at the foundation. It compromises our belief system, distorts our understanding of truth, and creates a roadblock between us and the very place we turn for help.
It can wound whole communities—and leave individuals questioning their identity, their discernment, and their faith.
Because our faith is so often intertwined with our sense of self, our family history, and our community, the wounds can be difficult to name and even harder to separate from our love for God. Survivors often experience confusion, guilt, anxiety, and profound difficulty trusting God and others in its aftermath.
The confusion is part of the harm. It is not a sign that something is wrong with you.
Why It's So Harmful
It's not uncommon for those who've experienced spiritual abuse to grapple with a deep sense of loyalty—alongside feelings of confusion, isolation, or powerlessness. Struggling with your faith, or being at odds with a particular leader or community, does not necessarily indicate abuse. Healthy communities and leaders respect the agency and autonomy of their members and welcome genuine questions and concerns.
But as you work through what you've experienced, a few questions may help:
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How does this leader respond when you say "no" to a request
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Are diverse opinions met with curiosity and respect, or with correction and concern?
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Look for signs of character apart from position: are they marked by a simple humility, kindness, and patience—or when stress comes, does impatience, pride, blame-shifting, or control become apparent?
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Would you want someone you love—perhaps a child—to be treated the way you've been treated? Why or why not?
No leader is perfect. Notice what patterns emerge.
And hold this question close: Is this how Jesus would treat me?
If the answer is no, it's worth paying careful attention to what you've seen.
→ Ways to Spot Spiritual Abuse — Questions for Discernment and Patterns Worth Naming
What If I'm Not Sure?
For those who have experienced spiritual abuse, the road forward is real — even when it doesn't feel that way
It may include naming and grieving what was lost: the community, the friendships, the version of faith that felt so alive before. It may include growing in your understanding of what was actually happening. It may include shifting loyalties — not from God, but from a person or institution that misrepresented Him.
It may include reading the words of Jesus in red.
Exploring faith in new ways. Finding new communities. Incrementally reclaiming your own voice and discernment.
The God who saw you in that place still sees you now. He is not distant or indifferent to what you've walked through. He is the lifter of the lowly, the companion of the outcast, the protector of the weak. And though people may fail us—even in His name—He never will.
He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.— Isaiah 40:11 NLT
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant.— Philippians 2:5-7
Those who have been harmed by controlling or manipulative leadership can find rest for their souls out from under such practices. If we can support you or point you toward resources for your journey, we'd be glad to.
Moving Toward Hope
He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.
- Isaiah 40:11 NLT