Victims

Your trust has been betrayed in the most visceral of ways

The impact of a betrayal of trust is tremendous. Finding your way here is a significant step.

Maybe you served on staff with your abuser for years, watching from the inside, and you're still trying to make sense of what you experienced. Maybe you were in an inner circle, closer to the heat than almost anyone—bullied, groomed, manipulated, belittled—and you're beginning to understand the impact that's had on you.

Or maybe your most intimate boundaries were crossed in ways that have left you reeling. For those walking through the confusing trauma of clergy sexual abuse, we see you. You belong here.

Spiritual abuse takes many forms. You may have been groomed to protect an abuser. You may have experienced financial manipulation that cost you far more than you know.

Bullied, groomed, manipulated, belittled, or sexually abused...

All of it counts. All of it matters.

Some of it happened all at once. Most of it grew imperceptibly—a comment here, a boundary crossed there, a small compromise you talked yourself into because the alternative felt disloyal. By the time you saw the whole picture, you'd already given away more than you knew.

You may find yourself now second-guessing yourself, wondering how you missed it, or why you stayed as long as you did, how you'll ever recover—or even trying to snap yourself out of it, wondering if it was as bad as all that. Your questions and your wrestling aren't evidence. They're symptoms.

This is precisely how spiritual abuse works. You trusted your spiritual leader. You were meant to—by design.

And that trust was betrayed.

Invisible Wounds

When abuse gets tangled up with your faith, it's sewn in alongside the good news, woven into your community, and wounding to your trust. It takes a long time to grapple with such harm, to heal, and to disentangle the the good from the bad.

The slow process of overriding and disregarding boundaries can be insidious and likely occurred over a long period of time. It typically happens along with good and life-giving things—so that you're not as inclined to pause and notice what's happening. This is called grooming. Because of the nature of the relationship with a pastor or spiritual leader, you're primed to write off any concerns.

In the aftermath, you may find it difficult to trust, to go to church, to read scripture you once loved, to pray—to reach for help. The invisible losses can be substantial.

For some, the betrayal bonds are strong. Trauma is often forged in the midst of deep connection, which may leave you reeling. Was this good? Was it bad? Why do I still care?

Maybe nothing was ever said aloud that you could point to and call abuse. Or maybe it was—only no one seemed to notice. Maybe you stayed silent and everyone else did, too. Or maybe it was smaller than that—a tone that shifted when you asked a hard question, a 'no' that always cost you something.

For others, you may have lost the community you love—you may have even been blamed for it—and your whole system is reeling. We see you. And you don't have to walk through this alone.

If what happened, happened to you directly—intimately—if it was your body, your trust, and your spirit that was used, we grieve that with you. The section below is especially for you.

Whatever's true for you right now, you don't have to wait until you've finished reading to reach for help—what to know, what to experience, and tools for healing are just ahead, whenever you want them.

Wherever you are in your journey, whatever your story, you don't have to walk this road alone—there is hope.

If Your Pastor Crossed This Line

If you are reading this page, you may be trapped in a world of hurt. You may feel deep shame because of an inappropriate relationship with your pastor; you may be carrying a secret that could wreck your family and church; you may wonder if you've been manipulated or used or if this is all your fault; you may feel guilty for even reading these words. Or you may have been caught in a compromising position with your pastor or youth leader—reeling from a blistering exposure. Or looking back years later, just beginning to understand what you walked through.

No matter who you are or where you are along this painful journey, there is hope for your heart. You're not alone. And while you may feel like you have a grasp of what's happened, there is more to understand on your pathway to healing. It may not be the easiest to hear or take in, but it matters to understand the reality of what you’ve experienced so that God's truth can bring freedom to your soul. Healing is possible and Jesus has already made a way for it, but truth is paramount.

You know that something has gone terribly wrong... lines were crossed, and you ended up in a relationship that you never intended. If you're still in it, you feel the guilt and shame of your secret life pressing on your heart. You've been made to feel responsible for your choices, your sin. You may even feel like you are to blame for tempting a man of God and hurting his ministry.

But there is a heartbreaking reality to understand:

This was never a consensual relationship.

It was never an affair.

It was abuse.

Words like 'adultery,' 'moral failure,' and 'affair' typically take the forefront when sexual misconduct is discussed. But that is a misrepresentation of what has actually happened to you. A sexually compromised relationship between a pastor and his congregant is never an 'affair'—regardless of the victim's age—it is an abuse of power and a serious exploitation of spiritual trust.

Due to the imbalance of power in the relationship between a pastor and a member of his congregation, there can be no mutual consent to any type of intimate behavior or sexual activity. A pastor represents Jesus to his flock, and when he betrays his sacred trust, it is both sexual and spiritual abuse. And it is devastating.

Wielding spiritual authority to gain favor or serve one's own purposes instead of those being served is a misuse of power, regardless of the circumstances. "Mutual consent” is not possible. As in the case in all caring professions, the provider is the responsible party. A counselor who exploits the trust of the one in counseling is liable for that abuse of trust. A doctor has a duty to do no harm. The same is true for those we trust to care for our souls. The church member, volunteer, staff member, counselee, etc. is inherently vulnerable to the one in a position of spiritual authority.

Abusive pastors may use Scripture to manipulate and coerce the vulnerable person to do what they want. Many feel compelled to “go along with” whatever their pastors desire simply because it will support them where they are lacking it or because they say it’s the Lord’s will. Someone who has been victimized in the past may find that they are virtually unable to refuse unwanted sexual advances. (And power-hungry clergy at times either intentionally or unintentionally target these persons.) Sometimes it happens simply because the pastor is a sexual predator. No matter how it all begins, it is the pastor’s responsibility to maintain proper boundaries with a parishioner.

The person with the power is always the one with the highest responsibility and accountability. Any crossing of those boundaries is a failure on the part of the person in authority – and is an egregious, self-serving abuse of that power.

The ground isn’t level between you and your pastor. What looked like intimacy or mutual mistakes isn’t.

You have been abused.

It may take time to take this all in; it does for most of us. Mostly no one wants this to be true about their experience. We encourage you to sit with this idea, allowing the gradual work of reckoning. This is not an issue of blame, it is the reality of spiritual authority. Being loyal to a pastor, at his beck and call, it is easy to become convinced that you alone understood the difficulties of his ministry (which is often either implicitly or explicitly communicated). You may have been groomed for years to defend him, protect him, and support him in whatever ways he needed. When it eventually came to crossing lines, you may or may not have resisted; you may have even thought you must have misunderstood scripture. (It is common for abusers to point to the Old Testament practices of multiple wives and concubines to justify their actions.) Whether your abuser set out to harm you or not, he was responsible to keep your relationship pure, and he did the opposite, opening the door and drawing you into a compromised position. This is heartbreaking, and we grieve with you.

But there is hope. Others have found their way through the tangled maze of emotions, grief, and pain to wholeness and freedom. Take courage – and press on toward truth. God will meet you as you reach out to Him. He promises to be near the brokenhearted, and He will be near to you. You are not alone. In fact, you're closer to healing than you've ever been. Don't give up... help is on the way.