VICTIMS

If you are reading this page, you may be trapped in a world of hurt. You may feel deep shame because you are in an inappropriate relationship with your pastor; you may be carrying a secret that could wreck your family and church; you may wonder if you've been manipulated or used or if this is all your fault; you may feel guilty for even reading these words. Or you may have been caught in a compromising position with your pastor, and are reeling from that blistering exposure. 

No matter who you are or where you are along this painful journey, there is hope for your heart. You're not alone. And while you may feel like you have a grasp of what's happened, there is more to understand on your pathway to healing. It may not be the easiest to hear or take in, but it matters to understand the reality of what you’ve experienced so that God's truth can bring freedom to your soul. Healing is possible and Jesus has already made a way for it, but truth is paramount.

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You know that something has gone terribly wrong... lines were crossed, and you ended up in a relationship that you never intended. You feel the guilt and shame of your secret life pressing on your heart. And as an adult, you feel as responsible for your choices and sin. You may even feel like you are to blame for tempting a man of God and hurting his ministry.

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But there is a heartbreaking reality to understand:

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You are not involved in a consensual relationship.

This is not an affair.

What you are experiencing is abuse.

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Words like "adultery"  and"affair" typically take the forefront when sexual misconduct is discussed. But that is a misrepresentation of what has actually happened to you. A sexually compromised relationship between a pastor and his congregant is never an “affair”—it is an abuse of power and a serious exploitation of spiritual trust.

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Due to the imbalance of power in the relationship between a pastor and a member of his congregation, there can be no mutual consent to any type of intimate behavior or sexual activity. A pastor represents Jesus to his flock, and when he betrays his sacred trust, it is both sexual and spiritual abuse. And it is devastating.

Wielding spiritual authority to gain favor or serve one's own purposes instead of those being served is a misuse of power, regardless of the circumstances. "Mutual consent” is not possible. As in the case in all caring professions, the provider is the responsible party. A counselor who exploits the trust of the one in counseling is liable for that abuse of trust. A doctor has a duty to do no harm. The same is true for those we trust to care for our souls. The church member, volunteer, staff member, counselee, etc. is inherently vulnerable to the one in a position of spiritual authority.

Abusive pastors may use Scripture to manipulate and coerce the vulnerable person to do what they want. Many feel compelled to “go along with” whatever their pastors desire simply because it will support them where they are lacking it or because they say it’s the Lord’s will. Someone who has been victimized in her past may find that she is virtually unable to refuse unwanted sexual advances. (And power-hungry clergy at times either intentionally or unintentionally target these persons.) Sometimes it happens simply because the pastor is a sexual predator. No matter how it all begins, it is the pastor’s responsibility to maintain proper boundaries with a parishioner.

The person with the power is always the one with the highest responsibility and accountability. Any crossing of those boundaries is a failure on the part of the person in authority – and is an egregious, self-serving abuse of that power.

The ground isn’t level between you and your pastor. What looked like intimacy or mutual mistakes isn’t.

You have been abused.

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It may take time to take this all in; it does for most of us. Mostly no one wants this to be true about their experience. We encourage you to sit with this idea, allowing the gradual work of reckoning. This is not an issue of blame, it is the reality of spiritual authority. Being loyal to a pastor, at his beck and call, it is easy to become convinced that you alone understood the difficulties of his ministry (which is often either implicitly or explicitly communicated). You may have been groomed for years to defend him, protect him, and support him in whatever ways he needed. When it eventually came to crossing lines, you may or may not have resisted; you may have even thought you must have misunderstood scripture. (It is common for abusers to point to the Old Testament practices of multiple wives and concubines to justify their actions.) Whether your abuser set out to harm you or not, he was responsible to keep your relationship pure, and he did the opposite, opening the door and drawing you into a compromised position. This is heartbreaking, and we grieve with you.

But there is hope. Others have found their way through the tangled maze of emotions, grief, and pain to wholeness and freedom. Take courage – and press on toward truth. God will meet you as you reach out to Him. He promises to be near the brokenhearted, and He will be near to you. You are not alone. In fact, you're closer to healing than you've ever been. Don't give up... help is on the way.