12 WAYS TO SPOT SPIRITUAL ABUSE
As many forms of spiritual abuse exist as there are abusive leaders, but many types fall into the same general categories. When you are working to discern whether a leader is abusive, humbly and prayerfully consider some of the questions below:​
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Does their ministry reflect the humility and gentleness of Jesus? (Not: Are they telling you they're humble? But do you see true evidence of a humble and gentle spirit? True humility does not power up, or blame, fawn over, or dismiss others, but honestly does the work put before them without fanfare or looking for laughter, undue deference, or applause.)
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Do they show deference to some types of people over others? (If you're someone with power or influence, they may show a deference to you or paint themselves as a victim when they speak with you. Listen and look for how they treat the people under them.)
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Do they humbly apologize for sin? Do those they've sinned against bear witness to their true repentance? (Abusive pastors who have been caught first deny wrongdoing, then minimize or blame, and if necessary, will use their platform to offer a faux apology, using phrases like, "I made mistakes. I'm flawed. I hurt people." These are not evidence of repentance, but of working to control a narrative. Wade Mullen, Ph.D. says, "When abusers can't refute a story, they try their best to dilute it. Diverting attention away from the crime and toward the perceived positive outcomes like lessons learned and the good they have done since, causes followers to view negative events in a positive light." True repentance is seen in sincere apologies offered privately, owning the full extent of sin against another—and in a long . Standing on a stage and saying,"I made mistakes" when a pastor crossed a line sexually with a parishioner or bullied his assistant is not a sign of repentance; it is self-protective and an attempt to offer what is needed to quell an outcry.
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Do they place undue value on unity, honor, or very specific passages of scripture outside of the larger context of the Word of God? (Jesus prayed that we would be one as He and the Father are one, but true unity also allows for beautiful variation and freedom within the body of Christ. Do they call for others to honor them or do they walk with humility? Do they pay particular focus to scriptures like Matthew 18 or
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Is the spiritual leader honest? Or do they spin words to sound like truth while distracting you from what is actual? A deceptive person can use false humility, humble brags, partial confessions, or even weep bitterly when it’s in their interest to do so (i.e. receiving praise and promotion or escaping accountability).
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Do they use excessive or exclusive language? How often do they build up other churches in the area?
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Do they attempt to appropriate commitments which are beyond the scope of relationship? Telling a church team, "We want to die doing this ministry together" can be a way of trying to convince them they should be all-in before they have had space to consider whether they want to have that level of commitment in the ministry or relationship. While we may be brothers and sisters in Christ, this leap to a lifelong commitment outside of the scope of relationship is a tell. Lifelong relationships outside of marriage or our families of origin are grown and developed over a lifetime.
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Do they create a culture of fear, shame, or blame—either within the church at large or among key leaders and volunteers?
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Do they use off-handed comments to communicate what is and isn't acceptable? A pastor who says, "Only one person has ever asked to see our financial statements (and he was angry with a staff member and wanted to bring them down)" may be sending the message that while the statement may be available, asking about finances is off-limits. Similarly, a pastor who says to an employee, "You aren't going to have any more kids, are you?" is inappropriately using their voice to influence a personal decision. Or take for example, a pastor who uses their platform to refer to people who complain about his decisions or disagree with him, saying "It will all come out in the book one day." That pastor is communicating clearly to the congregation that they're at risk of being called out if they question his/her leadership. These are manipulative tactics which are a misuse of pastoral authority and position.
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Do they focus and highlight one spiritual gift above others?
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Have a distorted view of respect. They forget the simple adage that respect is earned, not granted. Abusive leaders demand respect without having earned it by good, honest living.
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Demand allegiance as proof of the follower’s allegiance to Christ. It’s either his/her way or no way. And if a follower deviates, he is guilty of deviating from Jesus.
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Use exclusive language. “We’re the only ministry really following Jesus.” “We have all the right theology.” Believe their way of doing things, thinking theologically, or handling ministry and church is the only correct way. Everyone else is wrong, misguided, or stupidly naive.
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Create a culture of fear and shame. Often there is no grace for someone who fails to live up to the church’s or ministry’s expectation. And if someone steps outside of the often-unspoken rules, leaders shame them into compliance. Leaders can’t admit failure, but often search out failure in others and uses that knowledge to hold them in fear and captivity. They often quote scriptures about not touching God’s anointed, or bringing accusations against an elder. Yet they often confront sin in others, particularly ones who bring up legitimate biblical issues. Or they have their circle of influence take on this task, silencing critics.
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Often have a charismatic leader at the helm who starts off well, but slips into arrogance, protectionism and pride. Where a leader might start off being personable and interested in others’ issues, he/she eventually withdraws to a small group of “yes people” and isolates from the needs of others. These ministries and churches harbor a cult of personality, meaning if the central figure of the ministry or church left, the entity would collapse, as it was entirely dependent on one person to hold the place together.
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Cultivate a dependence on one leader or leaders for spiritual information. Personal discipleship isn’t encouraged. Often the Bible gets pushed away to the fringes unless the main leader is teaching it.
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Demand blind servitude of their followers, but live prestigious, privileged lives. They live aloof from their followers and justify their material extravagance as God’s favor and approval on their ministry. Unlike Jesus’ instructions to take the last seat, they often take the first seat at events and court others to grant them privileges. They typically chase after wealth–at any cost, and often at the expense of the very people they shepherd.
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Buffer him/herself from criticism by placing people around themselves whose only allegiance is to the leader. These leaders and churches view those who bring up legitimate issues as enemies. Those who were once friends/allies swiftly become enemies once a concern is raised. Sometimes these folks are banished, told to be silent, or shamed into submission.
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Hold to outward performance but rejects authentic spirituality. Places burdens on followers to act a certain way, dress an acceptable way, and have an acceptable lifestyle, but they often demonstrate licentiousness, greed, and uncontrolled addictions behind closed doors.
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Use exclusivity for allegiance. Followers close to the leader or leaders feel like lucky insiders. Everyone else is on the outside, though they often long to be in that inner circle. If someone on the inner circle speaks up about abuses, lapses in character, illegal acts, or strong-arming, that insider immediately moves to an outsider. Fear of losing their special status often impedes insiders from speaking up.