1. Unreasonable Expectations of Your Time

 

You're told to steward your time well, but the expectations handed down tell a different story. You can't make it all fit and you wonder if it's just you.

​

• Family time becomes negotiable in support of the ministry.

• Time with extended family causes "problems" and there's a sense that spending time with them means you're abandoning your church family.

• Vacations get postponed—or conscripted into the larger community.

• Late nights, long hours, and being constantly on-call become the norm.

• Employees and volunteers alike may have large black-out periods where vacations are discouraged or disallowed.

• You see others praised for living untenable lives. You feel the pressure to do likewise.

• When you try to reclaim your time, you’re seen as not as committed. Taking a step back signals that you’re less devoted to the mission. 

• Volunteering 30-40+ hours/week is readily accepted (but you really shouldn’t count).

• If you push back, you’re told that things will calm down "as soon as we get through this season," but one season always leads into another.

​

2. Excessive Financial Demands

 

Generosity is preached. Sacrifice is expected. But what applies to you doesn’t necessarily apply to the pastor.

​

• Giving “above and beyond” is highly valued. And generosity buys influence.

• It can be seen as ungodly to plan for the future, even while the pastor makes sure his retirement and college funds are full.

• Extravagant gifts are not only welcomed, but eventually expected.

• The stories that are told idealize sacrifice. The man who moved in with a roommate so he would be able to give more. The couple who gave their retirement fund to help people find Jesus.

• Limiting access to financial information is the norm.

• Questions around the budget are treated as suspicion, doubt, or sin.

• Humble bragging about being given gifts sows the seeds for others to do likewise.

• Gifts offered to bless someone in need often find their way into the leader's hands instead.

• Money given toward ministry is silently redirected to “bless” the pastor or his family—to study, travel, or take expensive breaks or sabbaticals.

• Ordering food, supplies, or even building supplies on your personal card to cover a ministry shortfall is normalized. Asking to be reimbursed for out-of-pocket expenses is made to seem like you don’t trust God to provide.

• Giving up other ministry jobs in order to serve as a volunteer in a growing church becomes the standard.

 

3. “The Creep”—Expectations That Start Small and Expand

 

Unreasonable expectations rarely show up all at once. They start small and their scope creeps wider and deeper over time until you’re in a pit you can’t climb out of.

​

• Being “all in” seems life-giving at first. But the standard for being all in grows over time.

• The water level is always moving—the bullseye gets harder and harder to hit.

• What is offered once becomes the expectation. And that expectation becomes the norm.

• You buy his lunch. The next time he doesn't pull out his wallet as quickly. You stay late to finish a project. Staying late, for whatever he needs, becomes expected.

• In private spaces, he asks for a backrub. Now that line is behind you.

• Over time, small lines get crossed—relationally, financially, physically. Each one shifts the bar.

• Whether it’s attendance, participation, or giving, everything needs to be “up and to the right” in an almost obsessive need for “more.”

• Every fall kick-off, every Easter, every event needs to be bigger and better. If someone throws him a party—next year he expects it. If 20 people came to a leadership retreat one year, that number needs to be higher next year.

 

4. Full Devotion

 

You’re not just asked to be fully devoted to God, but to the church. (And if you’re in leadership—the pastor.)

​

• Being “all in” is the norm—it’s intoxicating until you begin to resent it.

• Stories of those that gave it all to live out God’s callings are held out as ideals.

• Being present every weekend, often for multiple services, is a symbol of commitment.

• Leaders should always be asking for more. Your level of service and sacrifice are evidence of your commitment to the mission.

• Devotion to the vision is seen as devotion to God. And after years of tepid churches, it finally feels alive.

• You may be swept up in the movement and discover that a lifetime commitment is expected before you’ve had the scope or longevity to choose it.

• Lines like, "We're all going out of here in a pine box," catch you off-guard. But who isn’t drawn to the good news and the mission?

• "Trusting God" comes to mean abandoning yourself and your responsibility for your own life and choices.

• Everything comes back to a willingness to sacrifice your time, your family, and your resources for the mission.

​

5. The Inner Circle

 

Belonging is the carrot. And it is always just slightly out of reach.

​

• It's intoxicating to be "in" and confusing to be "out." Those kept just on the outside work hard to earn favor—usually without ever quite making it.

• Those on the inside can’t win. Those outside can’t win. There is no winning.

• The more outwardly gifted you are, the more likely you’ll be favored. But you’re not supposed to care, and you certainly aren’t supposed to ask.

• Access to leadership, ministry, or relationship is a door someone holds—and you owe him for it.

• Favor can be withdrawn, and everyone knows it. Those on the inside may not know how they got there, but they don't want to lose it. 

• The inner circle shifts without explanation. No one asks why, because asking costs something.

• There is often a "problem person" to be solved. This person changes from time to time, but the need to have someone on the outs is real.

• Those on the inside often stand up for the pastor, defend him, and protect him from “the heat.” This may be intentional or a result of grooming. Standing in the gap brings both benefits and extraordinary costs.

• Those who have earned a place on the inside may find they can speak more boldly in private—in the right room, with the right people. This plays into their belief that they’re not “yes-men or women.” But speaking up when others are present is a different calculation.

 

6. Undue Control Over Relationships

 

There's a puppet-master at play.

​

• A well-timed question. A raised eyebrow. Praise for one friendship, a pause before the name of another.

• "Are you really going to spend time with her?" You may move forward anyway. But the question stays in your ear.

• Encouragement to date one person—laughing at the thought of you dating another. When all goes well, claiming responsibility for getting the two of you together.

• Encouragement to seek advice and counsel on dating and marriage. It seems like wisdom, but it feels like control.

• Your spouse's concerns about the church are treated as a spiritual problem in your marriage—not a legitimate concern worth addressing.

• Abuse within the home gets overlooked or spiritualized—'submit,' 'forgive,' 'trust God with him'—while any perceived offense against the institution gets swift, serious attention.

• Wedges form between spouses who aren't equally committed. The more devoted one is subtly rewarded. The other becomes a problem to be managed.

• Your children's needs come second to the mission. You take care of the church, God will take care of them.

• Contacting a friend who left is seen as betrayal. Having coffee together or sending birthday flowers gets met with rage.

• For those close in, everything you do is seen as a reflection of him. Your relationships, your gifts, your investments—all of it belongs to him.

 

7. He Controls the Narrative

​

He has the platform. And he knows how to use it. Truth is negotiable. Image management isn't.

​

• The pastor paints the narrative before you know you need one. By the time you find your words, the story is already written.

• A quiet word to the right people: "She's really struggling right now." By the time anything surfaces, your credibility has already been quietly managed.

• Sermons on stewardship make him seem humble and generous. Talks on marriage...he's an amazing spouse. Naming "sin struggles" from the platform makes him seem human, but it's carefully curated.

• He rarely lies outright—he doesn't have to. He might say he 'doesn't use credit cards' while running tens of thousands of dollars through a charge card every month instead. The words are accurate. The impression isn't. That's the skill.

• A sermon illustration sounds remarkably like something you shared with him in confidence—only a little bigger, a little brighter now. Yours, made his.

• His stories seem to make him or his family seem greater, braver, funnier, or more insightful—often at the cost of diminishing others' accomplishments or dignity.

• Numbers get inflated wherever it's useful—attendance, giving, need, baptisms. The story must always be one of growth and momentum, whether the numbers back it up or not.

• If someone leaves quietly, leadership stays quiet. If their departure is visible, it becomes a sermon about resistance, division, or the cost of following God. (Unless they move away—that’s the only free pass.)

• Questions about finances or decisions get met with a story about the last person who asked, followed by a subtle, "It will all come out in the book one day."

• Apologies are unusual, but when cornered he may offer something that sounds repentant from a platform where he controls the room, the framing, and the response.  His words are just specific enough to seem vulnerable and just vague enough to be meaningless, while rallying support.

• Gaslighting is consistently at play–leaving you confused and second-guessing yourself instead of him. (If this sounds familiar, Mind Games goes deeper on exactly this pattern.)​

​

8. Scripture is Leveraged and Weaponized

 

The Bible is wielded subtly and powerfully—at times for good, for control, or for harm. That's part of what makes this so disorienting.

​

• Certain passages appear again and again—often ones that require your submission, never the ones that require their accountability.

  • Conflict resolution is presented lopsidedly – Matthew 18 is invoked when you've been sinned against—go to that person directly. Matthew 5, where Jesus says to go to the one you have harmed, goes unmentioned.

  • Unity is upheld as a silencer, shutting down any dissent or questions (John 17, 1 Sam 24)

  • Honor reserved for the leaders; humility and servant-heartedness is reserved for the flock (Heb 13, Phil 2)

• When someone brings a complaint, it gets turned back on them. "What's making you so critical? How's your heart?" (Luke 6:45) It's not explicitly scripture and it sounds like care, but somehow you become the concern instead of the issue you're bringing.

• "The Bible is clear on this." The conversation is over. Or “God told me this for you…” (How can anyone refute that?)

• Struggles like insecurity, anxiety, depression, and fear are reframed as sin issues.

• In particularly dark and abusive situations, scripture may be quoted privately to justify going against your own conscience—until you stop trusting your intuition and your own capacity to hear the Holy Spirit.

• Sometimes the teaching is genuinely arresting—content most pastors won't touch, ideas that feel alive and finally on point. The insights are real. So further trust is granted, although it may be unwarranted.

​​

9. The Pastor's Voice is Elevated

​

When one person’s voice matters more than others—especially in the name of Jesus—it’s dangerous.

​

• His vision is the one the church is built on. Other perspectives, even by Godly people within the community, are discounted or disregarded.

• God's voice and the leader's voice become intertwined—whether around God's goodness, love, judgement, and/or wrath. It becomes difficult to disentangle them.

• Stepping in to “embody” God’s voice to the parishioners short-circuits their reliance on God alone, while feeding their longing to hear words of affirmation, value, and the Father’s heart for them.

• Using his voice to affirm or belittle others gives him unique power over his team.

• People seem to hang on what the pastor says, thinks, or does. It’s not just his voice that’s elevated; it’s him.

• Studying the pastor’s sermons, quotes, or teachings subtly builds an almost godlike status as the pastor’s words are elevated and honored alongside of—or instead of—scripture.

​

10. The Pastor is the Exception

​

What applies to others doesn't apply to him.

​

• Accountability only flows in one direction.

• When things go wrong, someone is always to blame. It is never his fault.

• If he owns any responsibility, it will be that he misjudged someone's readiness. The fault lies with the person who wasn't ready—not with the one who put them there.

• Extreme sacrifice is the expectation for others. No one can understand the sacrifices he makes. Whatever comfort he wants—a bigger house, a nicer car, an extravagant trip—gets justified, while your requests for basic needs get questioned.

• He pushes boundaries no one else could get away with—often disguised in humor or control.

• There is no mechanism for accountability that he does not control.

• Apologies from staff and volunteers are required. From him, they are almost non-existent. When they do come, they reflect his pain, his growth, his journey. What was done to you or others is not the subject.

• The board exists. It does not function. The people around him have been carefully selected for loyalty, not for their willingness to tell him the truth.

• Those who do tell him the truth know to do so privately. Ostensibly out of respect. They have been groomed, too.

 

11. Isolation & Exceptionalism

​

A sense of exceptionalism inherently isolates both the church community and those within it.

 

• Over time you find yourself having less time for relationships with people outside the church.

• Voices speaking balance and wisdom into your life “from the outside” are viewed with suspicion. Their motives subtly questioned, their heart for the Gospel doubted. They don’t understand like “we” do. You may need to be “prayed off” after your encounters with them.

• You find yourself more and more in an echo chamber - only hearing or listening to people who agree with your pastor or church, doubting or steering clear of those bringing a different perspective.

• The church is elevated as having a unique connection with God and His word. Others “just don’t understand like we do”. We are rare, exceptional, special.

•  The diversity of voices, traditions, and expressions of faith grow smaller; the need to defend a unique calling, revelation, or way of living feels stronger. 

• Each person is gradually more and more isolated—even while surrounded by community. This is true in the inner circle, as well. Loyalty, fear, and a commitment to unity all play a part in this intentional pattern.​